[Ms.Zeusy]

She Lies In The Field in the Tall Grass
She Throat Gushing Blood
Cant' speak
Losing the The ability to Breath
The Darkness closing, She Can't see
Time Moving slower
Sound getting Dim
The Taste of her own Blood Remains
The Grim Reaper Arrives to Take Her Soul Away.

But Happened to her?
How Would Do This to a Innocent Girl
Still Young and Had a Whole life cut Short

The Answer Falls on to her Brother
Confused and Something wrong why his mind
Incestuous Lust, Violent Intent
He Could Not Control His Impulse
15 years of fighting his Urge
That Day his Sanity lost the War
He took Her to the The Fields of the tall Grass
Into A a place where no One Can Here Here Scream

He Said He wanted to play a game of hide and seek
The Naive girl only 16 years old just wanted to play with younger brother
as she duck in the tall grass
the brother play forward his Diabolical plan
He spots his older sister

And He Tackles her
the Sister thought He was only playing
No More play time for the younger brother
The Evil Of the Younger Brother's Insanity is unleashed
The Boy pinned down his sister
Ripped off her clothes
His Fantasy has finally come true
His Human Nature is now extinct, Now a Perverted animal in Human form
He bites on his sisters nipples
Scratches her Body
Now a bloody mess
Now ending his "foreplay"
The Brother begins his Sexual Attack
The Sister in pain and in Fear
The Brother in Happier than he was ever before
Reaching his Incestuous Ecstasy
He Forces Hist Sister to Swallow his Semen
The Sister Disgusted with herself
In Fear and in Agony she wants the Horror To End
As for the Brother's Final Act
He Takes out a Knife
And Slits the Sister's Throat, Putting her Out of her Misery
The Brother says "I love Sister, Thanks For The Fun Time"

And Thus Now the sister, take to the Afterlife
Her Body never Recovered
Her Brother Never Caught
She Now Haunts the Field as a Tortured soul
He Ghost Walks the field
Hear Her Morbid Scream
See Her Mutilated Naked body
Her Angry, Sad, Tortured Ghost Now Seeking Vengeance that she'll Never Get

For She was Raped, Murdered and Abandoned




Happy Halloween

[Rubylula]

I got a bit turned on by that.

[Chaossama]

lol, somehow I'm not surprised, Suzi.

Nice poem, Zeusy. Graphic, as you said, but very fitting of the theme.

[Angel of Game]

Wow, nice poem.

I wonder if there's a real event that same/similar to this poem. That will be a real horror. o.o

[[zephyr]]

Leave it to Zeusy to make such a poem..
Its fucken awesome xD

[Ashisgames]

Nice poem. Wow, just wow.

[Eagle Eye]

Nice, graphic.

[Rawismojo]

Not really impressed. It’s just a single narrative moment aimed at shock value as far as I can see. Then ending is even worse, tossing the one thing you had (gritty realism) right out the window. There is no rhythm to it that I can tell, so it is irritating to read. Several grammatical mistakes only make the lack of rhythm more apparent.

A few key problems you need to address:

→ Spell Check. Use it.
→ Punctuation. Learn it, love it.
→ Show, don’t tell.
→ Stick to one POV. Also note that third-person omniscient is a terrible vehicle for expressing emotional dynamics.
→ Actually have a point to your writing. From what I can tell you are just describing a single incident. Why should the reader give a damn?
→ Don’t play with the plot. If it’s in there, finish it. Why you feel the need to toss in a ghost story is beyond me.
→ Stay consistent. If he put her out of her misery, she wouldn’t be alive, bleeding but breathing, at the start.

Hopefully that helps.