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Chuck Norris jokes

Discussion in 'Thread Games' started by StarwarsJunkie, May 7, 2008.

  1. Here guys lol this should last you about a good 30min of reading. Also some of these might have already been said sorry.

    When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

    Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

    A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

    When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

    Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

    Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

    How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

    Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

    In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

    Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

    If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

    A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

    Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

    Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

    When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

    While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

    Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

    When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

    When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.


    Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

    Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

    For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

    Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

    When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

    Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

    When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

    Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

    On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

    Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

    In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

    Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

    Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

    Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

    Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

    Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

    If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

    Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

    Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

    Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

    The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

    It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

    You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

    Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

    The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

    There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

    Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

    When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

    Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

    James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

    Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

    It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

    Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

    Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

    Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

    Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

    Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

    A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

    Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

    There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

    Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

    Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

    Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

    Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

    Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

    Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

    Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

    The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

    Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

    If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

    The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

    Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

    The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
     
  2. StarwarsJunkie

    StarwarsJunkie Starwars Master

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    wow don't think you got enough of them there lol and keep em coming but try to get some new ones please they have been repeated MULTIPLE times
     
  3. zeophenix77

    zeophenix77 Dragon Master

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    no family guy copied that from some1 (idk) but i heard that one b4 family guy made that episode
     
  4. Rubylula

    Rubylula Like a mother bitch.

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    Ahem.
    I'm pretty lazy.
     
  5. darkpuppet

    darkpuppet n00b

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    * People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

    * Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

    * When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

    * Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

    * Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

    * Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

    * Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

    * Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

    * Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

    * People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris

    * Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

    * Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

    * Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

    * Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

    * Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

    * In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

    * Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

    * Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

    * Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

    * Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

    * Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

    * The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away

    * Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

    * There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

    * Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

    * There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

    * Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

    * Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

    * Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

    * On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

    * The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

    * When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

    * Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

    * When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

    * You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris

    * No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

    * Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

    * On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

    * Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

    * Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

    * Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

    * Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

    * Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

    * Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

    * Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

    * Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

    * The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

    * The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

    * The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

    * When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

    * In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

    * When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

    * The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

    * Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

    * Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

    * When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

    * Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

    * Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

    * Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

    * Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

    * Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

    * If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

    * Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

    * Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

    * The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

    * Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

    * Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

    * Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

    * Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

    * Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

    * When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

    * Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

    * Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

    massive amount still to come
     
  6. xShinigamix

    xShinigamix Delete! Delete! Delete!

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    Everytime you masterbate, Chuck Norris punches a baby.
     
  7. sk8ernicky

    sk8ernicky The best of the best

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    He he


    Like d first one. funny
     
  8. streether

    streether David!

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    if you go to google, type in chuck norris and press I'm feeling lucky, then, well.... se for yourself :D
     
  9. Saintnight

    Saintnight Banned

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    Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a cafe once. The cafe then was immediately destroyed, because NO building can hold awesomeness of that magnitude!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2009
  10. Sir Krokus

    Sir Krokus Sir Krokus

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    I didn't expect so many jokes .... nice :)
     
  11. AmmonWI

    AmmonWI n00b

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    hey everyone

    just stopping by to say hello
     
  12. Little Amy

    Little Amy I love Mai :3

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    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
     
    Big_Cat likes this.
  13. Big_Cat

    Big_Cat Friendly Sabertooth

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    There is no such thing as a tornado.

    Chuck Norris just can't stand trailor parks.
     
  14. Polards

    Polards n00b

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    * People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

    * Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

    * When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

    * Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
     
  15. Hector8546

    Hector8546 n00b

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    Chuck norris went on porn once and all the women within five thousand killometres got pregnant...
     

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