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She Was Raped, Murdered and Abandoned [Mature Content, Very Graphic]

Discussion in 'Arts' started by Zeusy, Oct 31, 2009.

  1. Zeusy

    Zeusy The Surreal Love Bastard

    She Lies In The Field in the Tall Grass
    She Throat Gushing Blood
    Cant' speak
    Losing the The ability to Breath
    The Darkness closing, She Can't see
    Time Moving slower
    Sound getting Dim
    The Taste of her own Blood Remains
    The Grim Reaper Arrives to Take Her Soul Away.

    But Happened to her?
    How Would Do This to a Innocent Girl
    Still Young and Had a Whole life cut Short

    The Answer Falls on to her Brother
    Confused and Something wrong why his mind
    Incestuous Lust, Violent Intent
    He Could Not Control His Impulse
    15 years of fighting his Urge
    That Day his Sanity lost the War
    He took Her to the The Fields of the tall Grass
    Into A a place where no One Can Here Here Scream

    He Said He wanted to play a game of hide and seek
    The Naive girl only 16 years old just wanted to play with younger brother
    as she duck in the tall grass
    the brother play forward his Diabolical plan
    He spots his older sister

    And He Tackles her
    the Sister thought He was only playing
    No More play time for the younger brother
    The Evil Of the Younger Brother's Insanity is unleashed
    The Boy pinned down his sister
    Ripped off her clothes
    His Fantasy has finally come true
    His Human Nature is now extinct, Now a Perverted animal in Human form
    He bites on his sisters nipples
    Scratches her Body
    Now a bloody mess
    Now ending his "foreplay"
    The Brother begins his Sexual Attack
    The Sister in pain and in Fear
    The Brother in Happier than he was ever before
    Reaching his Incestuous Ecstasy
    He Forces Hist Sister to Swallow his Semen
    The Sister Disgusted with herself
    In Fear and in Agony she wants the Horror To End
    As for the Brother's Final Act
    He Takes out a Knife
    And Slits the Sister's Throat, Putting her Out of her Misery
    The Brother says "I love Sister, Thanks For The Fun Time"

    And Thus Now the sister, take to the Afterlife
    Her Body never Recovered
    Her Brother Never Caught
    She Now Haunts the Field as a Tortured soul
    He Ghost Walks the field
    Hear Her Morbid Scream
    See Her Mutilated Naked body
    Her Angry, Sad, Tortured Ghost Now Seeking Vengeance that she'll Never Get

    For She was Raped, Murdered and Abandoned

    Happy Halloween
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 31, 2009
  2. Rubylula

    Rubylula Like a mother bitch.

    I got a bit turned on by that.
  3. Chaossama

    Chaossama Just a user, literally

    lol, somehow I'm not surprised, Suzi.

    Nice poem, Zeusy. Graphic, as you said, but very fitting of the theme.
  4. Angel of Game

    Angel of Game You want ban?

    Wow, nice poem.

    I wonder if there's a real event that same/similar to this poem. That will be a real horror. o.o
  5. [zephyr]

    [zephyr] Neo-Maxi Zoom Dweebie

    Leave it to Zeusy to make such a poem..
    Its fucken awesome xD
  6. Ashisgames

    Ashisgames Artist

    Nice poem. Wow, just wow.
  7. Eagle Eye

    Eagle Eye Guest

    Nice, graphic.
  8. Rawismojo

    Rawismojo ^_^ My Avatar Is Me.

    Not really impressed. It’s just a single narrative moment aimed at shock value as far as I can see. Then ending is even worse, tossing the one thing you had (gritty realism) right out the window. There is no rhythm to it that I can tell, so it is irritating to read. Several grammatical mistakes only make the lack of rhythm more apparent.

    A few key problems you need to address:

    → Spell Check. Use it.
    → Punctuation. Learn it, love it.
    → Show, don’t tell.
    → Stick to one POV. Also note that third-person omniscient is a terrible vehicle for expressing emotional dynamics.
    → Actually have a point to your writing. From what I can tell you are just describing a single incident. Why should the reader give a damn?
    → Don’t play with the plot. If it’s in there, finish it. Why you feel the need to toss in a ghost story is beyond me.
    → Stay consistent. If he put her out of her misery, she wouldn’t be alive, bleeding but breathing, at the start.

    Hopefully that helps.
  9. the disciple

    the disciple not good=not the end

    Godsake man its an awsome poem you don't have to give lectures on some of the things i can see where your going but not once did you say anything good about it. Anyway i like the poem I confess im not the biggest fan of poetry but tat ws realy good it shows ya know like what actualy ahppens in life. Very graphic but that sort of makes it more realistic in my view. awsome poem. lol but y would abrother want to have sex with his sister to me that is a bit disgusting.
  10. LAMAS

    LAMAS Ninja

    Good poem.

    As for the above poem, It's called constructive criticism. Unlike many people who "bash" on things they dislike, this person took the time to say why, and gave examples on how to fix it. If you're going to hate, hate like rawrismojo.
  11. MegaMan

    MegaMan Guest

    It feels a bit more like a story to me than a poem, but I suppose it depends on what your perspective is in reading it. Not really my type of reading, though.
  12. White_Acid

    White_Acid Wicked

    I dont mean to be an ass but i kinda gotta side with rubylula...turned me on a bit
  13. RawrHunnii

    RawrHunnii Rawr, Since1994.

    Didn't anyone tell you in jerk school, that poems don't have to rhyme?
    And if you noticed, it's the interenet, a lot of people don't type correctly.
    & it was pure awesome, sure a few typos and what not, but to use your imagination, and get over it, is excellent. :)
    Zeusy, well done.
  14. MegaMan

    MegaMan Guest

    Rhythm does not neccesarily meen every other word rhymes. What that guy meant was that the poem did not flow fluidly and was difficult for him to read due to that. And though it is the internet, when someone writes a poem they generally want it to look good ( Punctuation, spelling, etc )

    Criticism should be a welcome thing in this case, there is room for improvement for sure. Dont take something insignificant so seriously.
  15. Awesomex2

    Awesomex2 Banned

    Sick o' bro.
    It's good, but a little twisted.
  16. Bittersweet

    Bittersweet VOOOOOOOOII!

    I just had to post at how much of a nerd you are.
    → You might've lost your imagination while you were a young boy.
    → You wouldn't want to type "Joining a Party Level 79 Archer Dexless!" Would you?! That's why we have text chat *Points to a manual I have sitting on my desk* "J>PQLv79Archer-Dex" D:<
    → You got to much stuff on your mind, I doubt you were annoyed with it, you probably just trying to be cool.
    → Enjoy the (w/e is it)
    Lecture Over .
  17. luvdatchick

    luvdatchick n00b

    nice poem. very exciting and graphical.
  18. Kenichi

    Kenichi Epicness

    Dude, don't bash users like that.
    Rawismojo was giving constructive criticism, to try and help Zuesy improve.

    I'm going to give some constructive criticism, like Rawismojo did, too.

    Try to be more conscious of the effects of word choices and theme.
    Don’t force words to fit the meaning, but find the right words to enhance it.
    For example, utilise repetition for emphasis. Alliteration to draw attention to a particular phrase. Rhythm to create tone. Metaphors to provoke thought. Symbolic imagery. The list goes on and on.

    But, don't mind me. You should continue to work with Poetry, gain experience, and hopefully get better.
    Good job, Zuesy!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2010
  19. Zeusy

    Zeusy The Surreal Love Bastard

    Thanks for your Opinion, But some of them I can explain

    → Spell Check. Use it.
    Everybody in his Site (especially MusicMan) Knows that I have an absolutely Shity Keyboard, hat some of the Keys don't work, and I'm no the type of person tha check for spelling

    → Stick to one POV. Also note that third-person omniscient is a terrible vehicle for expressing emotional dynamics.
    Not Me style

    It’s just a single narrative moment aimed at shock value as far as I can see.
    Ummm, that was the whole point, buddy

    There is no rhythm to it that I can tell, so it is irritating to read.
    Its doesn't have to be rhythmic, hell this is not technically a poem
  20. Gaz868

    Gaz868 Assassin

    Very Beautiful. Nothing else to say.



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