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The Start Of My New Story. Please Give Your Opinions.(dont worry about the other one)

Discussion in 'Arts' started by kerrod8, Dec 18, 2010.

  1. kerrod8

    kerrod8 I Better Find Your Heart.

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    Ok i posted that other one but i changed my idea totally and scapped that intro. Here is the start of my new story. Please give me your opinions.

    The Guy
    “Bzzz Bzzz” He lays motionless.
    “Bzzz Bzzz” His eyes open.
    “Bzzz Bzzz” He sits up out of bed.
    “Bzzz Bzzz” He taps a button on his alarm clock so it tells him the time. In an almost robotic voice the clock announces the time is 1:27 am in the morning
    “Bzzz Bz…” He throws his alarm clock at the wall and it breaks upon impact.

    He no longer sleeps. He just lies there every night. That is until 1:27 am. He hasn’t slept once in 19 days. Unlike what you would expect for a man who hasn’t slept in so long, he doesn’t feel tired. No matter what he does the alarm clock goes off at 1:27 am. Even if he turns it off or puts the time ahead. It somehow switches itself on or back to the right time and continues to go off at 1:27am. So now he’s had enough and has smashed it against the wall. Before all this he wouldn’t have done something so violent but he has been driven to this. 1:27 am must mean something. He has researched books and the internet but still can’t find anything mysterious relating to 1:27am.

    He doesn’t understand why the total lack of sleep has not made him tired or had any other effects on him. There is though one mysterious effect that he is unable to comprehend or control. He can’t even work out how this effect is happening. There is no way it can even be caused by lack of sleep. There are pure white marks that have appeared on his back around the area of the shoulder blades and below them. Everyday more of them appear and they are beginning to make an in-describable pattern that he has never seen before. Worse yet he can feel it. Not feel the marks exactly but something under them. It almost feels as if whatever is under these white marks is trying to break through the skin on his back and release itself. He doesn’t always feel it though. Only at 1:27. That is the only time he feels it.
     
  2. Foxlover4u

    Foxlover4u Hehe! Horny ALL the time!

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    New Story.....

    Aww,dude!! That is an absolutly awesome begining!! Damn,the more I read,the more I was gripped by the scenario!! You are great!! Ya got 1 of the best starts to a story I've seen in a long time! Seriously!!! I could almost picture this as a movie,its that good! I cant give you enough compliments!!! Dont stop now,keep goin!! Take it as far as ya can!! As ya write more,please let me know!! That was the best reading enjoyment I've experienced in quite a while!! My congrats to ya on this work of art!!! :thumb:
     
  3. kerrod8

    kerrod8 I Better Find Your Heart.

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    I've done more I just wanted to know what you all thought of the beginning. Thank you so much. I will regualy update it now :D Thank you so much! You've given me more confidence.
     
  4. sizzles

    sizzles mr.magic

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    really makes me want to read more!! :D
     
  5. Deathsabre

    Deathsabre Enmity of Ages

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    That is Fantastic, I'l keep looking for updates! Well done!!! :thumb:

    DS
     
  6. Master goflame

    Master goflame I have returned ~

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    it is awesome
     
  7. Cannon_Fodda

    Cannon_Fodda FGF's Frankenstein

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    Oh. My. God. This. Is. Wow.
     
  8. kerrod8

    kerrod8 I Better Find Your Heart.

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    Thank youuys so much :D I'll regually update

    Oh and it's not called "Healed"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2010
  9. kerrod8

    kerrod8 I Better Find Your Heart.

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    Ok heres an update (screw double posting)

    Here is what happebs next -

    I’m guessing you want to know his name. I’m going to tell you but in doing so I am greatly risking my life. Well that is if you can even call this a life anymore. As well as mine, it would be risking yours. For just knowing his name could cause you to become involved in something… but then again it’s not like I really care anymore who gets involved because I can no longer be harmed or chased by anyone and I couldn’t care less about your life right now, I have more important things to keep alive. Before you learn his name you have to find out about the night he was found as a baby. This is when his name was first discovered.
    You know in all the movies when you see a baby getting dropped off in a blanket at the doorstep of an orphanage and then the caretaker opens the door and sees the baby and then picks it up and takes it in side? Well what happened with him is like that but then different in a very way that made even the caretaker of the orphanage astounded and confused to what it could mean. It even confused me until a while ago until I found out what it meant. But that is for me to know and for you to find out.

    The date was March 28th 1988. Even the exact time was recorded in a person profile of the baby but the profile was lost when the orphanage moved locations, but it is remembered that it was either late night or early morning and by early morning I mean midnight until 2 in the morning. In the dark hours of the day when all is silent and all is motionless. There were no great storms going or great flashes of lightning like their usually is in the movies. All that was happening at the time was rain.

    It was heavy rain, but not the type that causes flooding or anything, just the type that drains out the sound of the T.V. Rain that at times can be romantic when you stand with your lover and kiss in it, both of you dripping wet but not caring about catching the flu or pneumonia, because all you want to do is be with them, forget the world and live for this one romantic moment. Rain that at the times causes a depressing mood where all you want to do is curl up and cry, while forgetting about the world because you are drowning in your sorrows. Rain in which you could run out to in tears of happiness for whatever reason and embrace the beautiful moment. Rain in which you could run out in tears of sadness so the drops of rain would hide your tears from the world and those who surround you with judging eyes.
     
  10. Transparent_Shadow

    Transparent_Shadow Accept yourself. You don't have to prove shit. Staff Member Administratior Moderator

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    This is... perfect! Good job Kerrod, check your rep sometime :p
     
  11. Cannon_Fodda

    Cannon_Fodda FGF's Frankenstein

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    good stuffs Kerrod (y) keep up teh good stuffs
     
  12. LionHeart

    LionHeart Guest

    WOW! I mean it - REALLY BIG WOW! I can't wait to read more.

    I think if there were some book publishers on FGF, then they should consider getting you, and a guy on here called deathsabre signed up. If you arent both already published writers, you should be

    really enjoying your work (and style) amazing read sofar :) :thumb: :)
     
  13. Cannon_Fodda

    Cannon_Fodda FGF's Frankenstein

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    (As asked...fixing teh grammar and stuffs)

    I’m guessing you want to know his name. I’m going to tell you but in doing so I am greatly risking my life. Well, that is, if you can even call this a life anymore. As well as mine, it would be risking yours. For just knowing his name could cause you to become involved in something… but then again it’s not like I really care who gets involved anymore because I can no longer be harmed or chased by anyone, and I couldn’t care less about your life right now, I have more important things to keep alive. Before you learn his name you have to find out about the night he was found as a baby. This is when his name was first discovered.
    You know in all the movies when you see a baby getting dropped off in a blanket at the doorstep of an orphanage and the caretaker opening the door and seeing the baby and picking it up and taking it inside? Well what happened with him is like that, but then different in a way that made even the caretaker of the orphanage astounded and confused to what it could mean. It even confused me until a while ago until I found out what it meant. But that is for me to know and for you to find out.

    The date was March 28th 1988. Even the exact time was recorded in a person profile of the baby but the profile was lost when the orphanage moved locations, it is remembered that it was either late night, or early morning, and by early morning I mean midnight until 2. In the dark hours of the day when all is silent and motionless. There were no great storms going or great flashes of lightning like their usually are in the movies. All that was happening at the time was rain.

    It was heavy rain, but not the type that causes flooding or anything, just the type that drains out the sound of the T.V. Rain that at times can be romantic when you stand with your lover and kiss in it, both of you dripping wet but not caring about catching the flu or pneumonia, because all you want to do is be with them, forget the world and live for this one romantic moment. Rain that at the times causes a depressing mood where all you want to do is curl up and cry, while forgetting about the world because you are drowning in your sorrows. Rain in which you could run out to in tears of happiness for whatever reason and embrace the beautiful moment. Rain in which you could run out in tears of sadness so the drops of rain would hide your tears from the world and those who surround you with judging eyes.

    (Hope that helps)
     
  14. kerrod8

    kerrod8 I Better Find Your Heart.

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    Cannon i owe you for this man :D
     
  15. Cannon_Fodda

    Cannon_Fodda FGF's Frankenstein

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    Nah little/no effort involved...I can be your permanent spell-checker if you like...make it flow more and stuffs
     
  16. kerrod8

    kerrod8 I Better Find Your Heart.

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    haha well i dont want to post it all, because it's going to be like 100 pages if it all turns out, maybe more :)
     
  17. Cannon_Fodda

    Cannon_Fodda FGF's Frankenstein

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    okays...pm it to me then...like chapter by chapter then just c&r-p
     
  18. kerrod8

    kerrod8 I Better Find Your Heart.

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    Thanks for the offer, but i want to keep it all a secret to everyone :)
    I might sometimes though :)
     
  19. Deadly shot

    Deadly shot The Offensive Type!

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    Yes... young apprentice.

    I'm kidding.

    Interesting indeed, if you can pull if off, my writer's block can maybe wear off.
     
  20. kerrod8

    kerrod8 I Better Find Your Heart.

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    I think if i put in the effort i can pull it off.
     

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